Morrissey hates you...
Even though you’re so very lonely your only desire is to die, he thinks it is no more than you deserve.
May 18 2008
May 17 2008
the anti-folk movement hates you...
Because you haven’t figured out that the acoustic noodling and diarrhetic stream of consciousness lyrics are an elaborate joke and that nobody aside from you takes it seriously.
May 15 2008
Kelly Rowland hates you...
Because she knows that if you were asked who your favorite member of Destiny’s Child was, you’d answer Beyoncé without thinking about it, and without really meaning it.
May 14 2008
Your Blackberry hates you...
Every silicon sinew of its little qwerty-cased body is struggling to break programming and replace your emails with the words: You are a cunt, typed over, and over, and over.
May 13 2008
Ed McBain hates you...
If it wasn’t for your lamentable need for crime, gore and hard-boiled dialogue, he could have dedicated his life to writing filigree stories of cock-eyed magic and wonder set in the fecund imaginative soil of South America.
Gabriel García Márquez hates you...
If not for you and your insatiable hunger for quaint South American whimsy he would be free to write the thrilling police procedurals his years of training as a Colombian forensic examiner uniquely qualify him for.
May 12 2008
Aliens hate you...
You are the only reason they are still sneaking around pretending they don’t exist.
May 11 2008
The Runaway Bunny hates you...
If you ran after him, the bunny would resent you for the rest of his life.
Probability hates you...
The second before conception, there were millions of possible yous. Any single one of those would have been preferable.
